I miss David Letterman

And now from the home office in beautiful Baraboo, Wisconsin: the top ten best bands with names you can eat.

That’s the top ten best bands with names you can eat, Paul.

10. Cream
9.  Red Hot Chili Peppers
8.  The Cranberries
7.  Bread
6.  Korn
5.  Blue Oyster Cult
4.  Salt-N-Pepa
3.  Cake
2.  Meatloaf
1.  Josie and the Pussycats


Why I’m Not Sleeping


I saw and shared this on Facebook. It really got to me. I guess any female that gets close to me realizes how clingy I am. I can’t remember what it feels like to be loved. I spent so much time trying to remember that feeling and I couldn’t do it. Love escapes me. Then came thinking about my life. I am laying there wondering how my life will be measured. I kept trying to find something that I am leaving for the future. Like after I’m gone will anything I have contributed matter or even if people will remember me. 3AM is not the time to think about love or have an existential breakdown. Ugh…I hope this isn’t a midlife crisis.

I Lied

I wrote last time that I had lost nearly 40lbs this summer. Well I had medical appointment yesterday and found out I’ve lost 50lbs. To keep my mind off the number on the scale I only weigh myself at the hospital. This way I just do my livin’…L I V I N


Just When Things Are Starting to Look Up

I’ve been pretty healthy lately…well as healthy as I can be. I got my blood pressure under control, blood sugar is nearly perfect, 2/3 vegetarian (meat only once a day), lost nearly 40lbs so far this summer, pretty much quit drinking alcohol and pop and now I feel like all those changes are for naught. I took my dad to his dialysis appointment this morning and after I dropped him off I went by the old circus museum to eat my breakfast. I have a spot underneath a tree that’s next to a river where I can watch geese and ducks frollicking in the river and see some of the circus animals and big top show. I get a phone call from my mom saying I needed to come pick her up and take her to a hospital. I head home and she asks me to get her mail. I’m coming out and take a step off the curb and unbeknownst to me my foot goes in a hole and basically bends 90° in a direction it’s not supposed to bend. I fall to the ground and everything goes bright white from the intense pain shooting through my leg. I get in the car and tell my mom what happened and that I’d be OK. I drove about an hour and dropped her off and decided to try walking. Walking 5 yards from my car to the front door and 10 yards from the entrance to the bathroom felt like running a marathon. I took my time and got back and drove to a Dollar Tree to get some supplies. That felt OK. I had my boot laced up fairly tight. Well I picked up my mom, ate lunch, went to a pawn shop, and went to a farmers’ market and I thought things were better. I drive another hour home and had a hell of a time walking up my stairs. My cats greet me and I get some ice for my ankle. I took off my boot and watched it swell and pulsate. The pain was awful. I get my mom to take me to the emergency room. I got there about 7PM and I did this about 11AM. I had xrays and the doctor said there’s bone fragments but he didn’t know if they were old or new. He guessed they were new and I fractured my ankle. This means I get to wear a walking boot for the next month. The doctor asked if I wanted a shot for the pain. Well I was thinking of something else entirely when I asked what type of whiskey they had. I can’t sleep because the Tylenol isn’t doing the job. Now I’m also paying the price for following one of my doctor’s orders that I need to drink at least a gallon of water a day.


Bill Clinton knows what a chickenhead is.

This Cat


This cat right here…not only does she carry pens, straws, and stuffed animals around the house, she is now carrying my thermal socks around the house.  I guess these socks are about the size of a large kitten.

Strange Facts

-I was the ghost writer for DMX’s “Party Up in Here”

-I wrote an entire season of “My Name is Earl” but because of the writer’s strike my episodes weren’t picked up and the show was canceled.

-70% of the internet is occupied by hypocrites

-When two extremely possessive people fall in love with each other , telecommunication companies make an abnormal amount of money.

-There’s a Coldplay song for every single emotion you can feel except a kick in the balls

-Kangaroos have 142 words for “boing”

-The second world war started when Winston Churchhill refused to follow Hitler on Xanga 2.0

-Former British Prime Minister Margaret Thatcher helped invent soft-serve ice cream.

-To the Vikings, it was considered rude to kill someone wearing green.

-Putting a stick of margarine in a diesel engine will increase mileage by approximately 10%.

-Osama Bin-Laden had a lifetime subscription to Mad magazine.

-In Norway, pickled herring is a separate food group.

-Albert Einstein was an avid bodybuilder.

-If the Earth was put on a scale, scientists would be puzzled by the presence of that scale.

-After extensive study of the Shroud of Turin, it has now been theorized that Jesus had muttonchops.

-The most downloaded song on iTunes in 2007 was “Afternoon Delight” by the Starland Vocal Band.

-After he was President, Harry S. Truman briefly coached the Boston Celtics.

-Queen Elizabeth has seen the movie “Spaceballs” at least twelve times.   She used to screen the movie for foreign dignitaries.

-Isaac Newton invented the game Hopscotch.

-Although Thursday is historically thought of as being named after the god Thor, it was actually named for his brother Thur.

-Xanga 2.0 is dead.

Yeah I miss boobs on Xanga.
His communion wafers are chocolate chip cookies.
I had this weird dream the other night that Tim Tebow gave up on his football career and decided to be an actor.   He went on to become the new Incredible Hulk.  The next day I found this.
Pokesicion Theology
I’m the champion not just of pro-wrestling but of awesome hair.
I think I’d rather eat his pizza instead of Papa John’s
I was driving around today and on this one street there were so many fastfood joints and restaurants advertising their pumpkin flavored stuff.  AND SO IT HAS BEGUN
Then I’ll secede and become emperor protectorate of the United States
Who wants to help me claim my prize?  Sorry…so lonely.


If Marco Polo were alive today I’m pretty sure he’d be pissed that Christopher Columbus gets his own special day and all he gets is a shitty pool game.

I think it’s sad that the inventor of masturbation isn’t making money hand over fist.

I went clothes shopping and I’m glad I did because these booty shorts really bring out my personality.

I think the only thing more traumatizing than finding out your mother isn’t a virgin is finding out she is.

If I ever have a daughter I thought the only fashion that I’ll introduce to her is the chastity belt.

When you say, “could things get worse” it’s a surefire way to make things worse.

All I want for Christmas are model planes. Not because they’re a hobby of mine, but because huffing glue is a hobby of mine.

If you ever feel really stupid, just remember that when Apollo 13 came out, a movie critic called the ending “so Hollywood” and that “in real life the crew would’ve died”.

I had a pair of sweatpants that said “Planned Parenthood”.  They were my favorites but I spilled red wine all over them.  I still wore them around town but got so many looks.  I figured it was because everyone thought they looked fabulous.

I think the biggest indicator that I’m ugly is after a blind woman touched my face she puked.  Then the second biggest indicator was when my dog put a paper bag over my leg before humping it.

When you have a cold and are lonely, you go through a lot of tissues.

I like my ice cubes like I like my hopes and dreams: crushed

When I was a kid, my mom took a second job working at a gas station.  I would jokingly say, “Don’t quit your day job.”  However I wasn’t joking because we desperately needed the money.

Prejudice is so prevalent in our society today.  Did you know that pregnant women are not allowed to ride rollercoasters?  That’s horrible.

I’m a painter and mainly do nude paintings.  For instance, I painted my garage while I was completely naked.

I don’t know about you but I think people sound friendlier when they speak with this alleged Wisconsin accent.

OK I’ll admit it.  I don’t know much about college football and just cheer for the girl on the trombone or playing it.

I think the reason I don’t get many girls is because to break the ice I slap their asses.

I got a sub from Subway and it had onions in it, and a button, and some glitter.  I hate it when those sandwich artists take artistic license.

I’m not above dating tall girls.

I think for Halloween I’m going to be myself which will be for the first time ever.

Back in the 90s it took me over a minute to get a bra off but now I can get her off in under a minute.  I guess that’s called progress and that is what Obama has done for me.

I tend to watch out for women that want to have sex with the lights on.  That sort of confidence scares me.

I got a GPS and the voice was a female.  I took it back to the store for a cash refund because she kept telling me to pull over and ask for directions.

The reason you got all those horrible class photos in elementary school was preparation for the horrible driver’s license photos you get as an adult.

I’ve got huge feet.  You know what that means, ladies?  I look like a fucking clown.

I have food poisoning and I’m at the stage where I’m bargaining with God saying I’ll never eat again if he keeps me alive.

It’s cute when your daughter pretends to be a cat at age three and crawls on the floor and meows but it’s not cute when she’s 18 and crawling on a dance floor shoving her ass into strangers’ faces.

Now that Will Smith has kids does this mean he just doesn’t understand?

The best part of erectile dysfunction is that you don’t have to wait to urinate in the morning after you wake up.

You can turn any pair of jeans into skinny jeans by eating regularly at McDonald’s.

I hate double standards between men and women.  Why is it that when a man has sex with a lot of women he’s considered a player but when a woman does she’s considered a lesbian?

I’m writing this post and I don’t think you even care so I’m going to type “throbbing meat pole” just to see if you paid attention.

I was actually worried that the government shutdown would be over so I couldn’t do any more jokes.

I think we should pay off the national debt and balance the budget by using the proceeds from our nation’s greatest resource: Tyler Perry movies.

This government shutdown happened after Breaking Bad ended which proves we need more Breaking Bad.

Nothing makes John Boehner cry more than the moment in “Die Hard” when Alan Rickman’s hostage-taking scheme fails.

Ted Cruz is demanding a shutdown of “Gravity” screenings because it could become popular if people are allowed to see it.

Republicans call poor people deadbeats as they cash the checks they’re still getting after shutting down the government.

Tomorrow I plan on storming the EPA dressed as Captain Planet to demand more rainbows being included in any bills made by Congress.

I think this government shutdown is a failure because I haven’t been invited to join a single post-apocalyptic gang.

Maybe since Barack Obama doesn’t have to run for another term, he can call up Suge Knight to come to D.C. and dangle John Boehner by his ankles over a ledge.  It worked for Vanilla Ice and he’s way more hardcore than Boehner but then Ice isn’t as drunk.

I’ve had students ask how will America get by without having an effective government.  I always reply, “Same way as before, I guess.”

I think someone should give the government a Snickers because they tend to shutdown when they’re hungry.

“If you view this material and are under the age of 18 you are breaking federal laws…”  Hahahahaha…government’s closed so kids can look at anything.

I do like how everyone is treating the government shutdown as a joke because that’s how much respect we have for our government.

And now your weekly dose of motivation:

I keep trying to listen to Britney Spears’ new song “Work, Bitch” but it doesn’t make sense to my ears.  It’s just choruses throughout.  I keep waiting to hear a verse but NOTHING!  Pop music is dead.

I’ve been trying to write some TV shows or movies and the hardest part for me has always been names.  Here are some of my names for men: Pog Radisson, Steve Doublesteve, Beauregard V. Asscan, Tex Montreal, Ambassador Nickolai Backflip, and Yolo Pepperoni.  Here are my names for women: Detective Brenda Sacramento, Jacqueline Pumpkin, Kat Skinner, Penelope Remington, Holly Misteltoe, Wendy Socks, Gertrude Von Winnipeg, Jackie Nevada, Rexella Steel, Rhonda Muscles, and Zooey Deschanel.  I don’t think my crime dramas will ever get off the ground.

Maybe I can get it off the ground because Bryan Cranston once played a character named Colt Arrow.

If I were to tell a girl that she’s so hot she gives my penis varicose veins is romantic, right?

What is the opposite of assassin?  Dickdickout.

I hear a lot of people have this thing called No Shave November.  I propose we do No Wipe October.  I better go stock up on Dollar Tree cologne.

I hate the stigma that people have to be introverts or extroverts.  Either they are at home reading John Green novels and eating ice cream or doing cocaine at parties and starting fights in the sewers.

Lots of people are attractive until they speak.

It’s really scary how many people believe that demonic possession is real yet deny the existence of schizophrenia and dissociative identity disorder.

Do you think they have cable in heaven?  Well I bet they do because in Hell all the pizza has pineapple on it.

I have this theory that Eddie Murphy and Adam Sandler make all these movies where they play multiple characters because they have alter ego psychosis and are terrified and the movie is a cry for help that falls deaf on millions of ears.

I like my olive oil like I like my women…extra virgin.

Do leopards wear human skin when they want to dress tacky?

There’s a new show on HBO called “Masters of Sex”.  I don’t want to spoil it for anyone but the show is simply me sitting in a large chair, wearing a smoking jacket, puffing on a pipe, slyly nodding, and smiling while saying “Yes, it’s true.”

I’ve been thinking of getting a second job at McDonald’s and go through all the training just so I can get fired for telling customers to “have a McFuckin’ fantastic day.”

Have you noticed all these ghost hunting shows on TV?  I think Scooby Doo and the gang were ahead of their time.

I think I need to get checked out because I just dropped a fart that sounded like a 16 year old girl trying to put a semi into gear.

I really need to get checked out because now my fart sounded like Maya Angelou trying to say “malarkey sandwich” with a mouth stuffed with marshmallows.

Have you ever been to a website that asks, “Are you sure you want to leave this site?”  I always wish that there was someone suggestively rubbing their hands up and down their body when that question is asked.

Josh Freeman was signed by the Minnesota Vikings.  Frankly I’m shocked they didn’t try to sign someone who used to play for the Green Bay Packers.  Someone really needs to tell the Vikings that 3 bad quarterbacks don’t equal 1 good quarterback.  Wait…nevermind.  I want Green Bay to dominate them forever.

I’m thinking of starting this strip club, but instead of naked women gyrating, it will be filled with dogs and you can’t pet them until you give them a treat and then for extra treats they’ll do tricks for you.  But absolutely no peanut butter will be allowed on premises.

Do you ever wonder how many people’s dreams you appear in?  I think I only appear in murder fantasies.

I hate when people think the banana I keep in my pants pocket is my penis.

I always thought Golden Corral was when you crawled through a tunnel of legs while people were peeing on you.  The restaurant is much worse.

BuzzFeed is the Walmart of culture.

When I get a laptop I’m pretty sure Xanga will the longest time I’ve spent with strangers in a bathroom.

Xanga is the place where pretty girls come to complain about not getting laid or having boyfriends and creepy guys like me try to seduce them.

Have you ever read a post on Xanga and thought that the Xanga team should be paid to be that person’s therapist?

Xanga is the best way to prove you’ve lost your mind.


Did you know my name stands for “Massively Awesome, Touches Titties”?

I saw this girl I’ve known for most of my life the other day.  She had a new car.  In the back window there was a sticker that said “GRITS:  Girl Raised in the South”.  I asked her about that because she’s lived in Wisconsin her entire life.  “Well I listen to a lot of country music.”  I listen to Italian music but that doesn’t make me Al Capone.

There’s two ways to get to the top of an oak tree.  The first is that you grab a branch and start climbing.  The other is you plant an acorn and sit on it.  Just be prepared for some invasive butt stuff.

I think alcohol is the push-up bra of personalities.

I am so psyched for the series finale of the government.  All I know is that no matter what happens it will be a better finale than Dexter.  Speaking of Dexter, ladies call sex with me “The Dexter” because it ends with nothing but disappointment.

If the government shuts down does that mean murder is legal?  It’s not like I have a list.

I bet when the shutdown happens Congress will take credit for creating 800,000 new jobs.

I say we sell Detroit to Canada and see what they can do with it.  I bet in a week Canada begs us to take it back and they’ll pay us.  Debt crisis solved.

Instead of shutting down the government, why don’t they just unplug it and then plug it back in?

The U.S. budget is like a 1st grader playing Oregon Trail. Spend all the money on ammunition so you can shoot at stuff, then wonder why your wagon is falling apart and everyone is dying of dysentery.

I like being complimented on my intelligence and my oral sex techniques.

If the NBA wanted me to watch, they’d be playing football.

Of all the malls in the world, strip malls are the most promiscuous.

I hear people complain about auto-correct but it really is helpful 99% of the titties.

Nothing says “my penis will never be inside a vagina” like displaying my Beanie Baby collection.  Nothing says “I’m never stepping foot in that psycho’s house” like having a gun AND sword cabinet.

I have issues with unisex bathrooms.  They should make uniabstinence bathrooms for me.

Did you know that the song “Send in the Clowns” is about a hostage situation when the police have completely ran out of ideas?

Sex is a lot like golf.  I haven’t played golf in years.

The last time I got to second base was when I drew boobs in MS Paint.

Life hack: go against the norm and treat everyone with kindness and respect.  Be the rare person who doesn’t die with a heart full of bitterness.

There’s a Kickstarter for the third Atlas Shrugged movie because the free market apparently can’t reach its bootstraps.

“My food is cruelty free.” –People who eat crops picked by under payed, overworked, exploited and abused poor migrant workers.

I like to watch Seinfeld with the sound off so I can practice my Sein-language.

The day I become rich is the day I have a TV in my bathroom.

I really wish I had a hickey.  Those things are bragging rights without having to say a word.  It’s just too bad that my friends aren’t in high school so they probably won’t be impressed.

The next time you think you’re lonely; just remember you have about 25 billion white blood cells in your body protecting your sorry little ass with their life.  You have 25 billion friends who would die for you.  No need for tears, pussy.

I don’t know how much cunnilingus I have to perform so that I can stop hearing about Miley Cyrus but whatever it is I’m prepared.

The Bible says “Adam and Eve” and not “Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam and Adam.”  We must ban cloning.  Speaking of Adam and Eve, the Devil would have a real tough time tempting them in this day in age because I’m pretty sure Adam and Eve would ask if the apple was organic because they only eat organic foods.

I bet Fiona Apple would be delicious if she was a type of apple.  Either way, I want to eat her awfully bad.

One of my greatest abilities is tricking people online into thinking I’m good looking.

Did you know Samsung is making a curved smartphone.  I bet it’s so that certain self-conscious men can feel better about themselves.

My friend won’t lend me his copy of Gypsies, Tramps, and Thieves. I guess he never learned how to Cher.

How stressful was it for the first person to ever dial a wrong number!

I’ve always wanted to be a news anchor so I could treat the weatherman like shit.

Hyperbole is the best word in the entire world.

A student asked me what time it was and I started saying, “2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29.”  The kid was all confused so I shouted, “IT’S PRIMETIME!”

I always thought “100 ccs” meant “100 cut-up carrots”.

I started a bowling team and called it Disaster because disaster always strikes.

It’s always weird for me to attend weddings because as I’m either standing up front in the wedding party or sitting in a church pew I can’t help but think that in a few hours they married couple will be having sex.

Life is all about taking risks which is why I masturbate with my doors open.

I never quite understood the point of flavored condoms.  Do butts and vaginas have taste buds?

I went to the cape store the other day and wanted to try on a new cape.  The clerk asked if I needed help trying on the cape and I said, “No, thank you.  I’m perfectly capable.”

I don’t yell at my cats for drinking out of the toilet since I’m not a hypocrite.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation
I always wonder if the reason I don’t get good cell phone service is because my cell phone doesn’t wear a shirt or shoes.

I bet continental breakfasts were pretty awesome before Pangaea broke up.

It’s amazing how songs can take you back to memories from your youth.  Like the other day I heard “Love Shack” by the B52s and that took me back to the time I had sex with my neighbor in her family’s storage shed behind their house.  I also heard “Runaway Train” by Soul Asylum and remembered the time her and I had sex in a train car at the old train depot.  Then I heard “Touch Myself” by The Diviynls and remembered how I didn’t have sex with her but masturbated to those thoughts.  Ah…the power of music!

I’m trying to find a way to get celebrities to notice me that doesn’t involve me being a stalker or having a terminal illness.  I like being friends with the local news anchors but I need something bigger.

What is the point of blurring out a middle finger on TV?  It’s not like I don’t know what it is.  Could it be a finger or a giraffe?  Or an ice cream cone?  Or Adam West?

I’m pretty sure illegally downloading music is a gateway to meth.

I think Mumford and Sons is one of the best bands out there today.  They took one song and turned it into two albums.  I also heard that Mumford and Sons announced they were taking a hiatus.  This means that the sales of bowler hats and suspenders have plummeted.

I can’t believe people fly the rebel flag.  You’re displaying that you support the losing side of the wrongest war in history.

Whenever I hear someone say they are a foodie, I imagine that they enjoy rubbing food all over their genitals.

Isn’t it weird that sleeping can get in the way of your dreams?

I look like Ryan Gosling if he ate three Ryan Goslings smothered in cheese.

If the moon hit your eye like a big pizza pie it’s not amore because the moon is fucking huge and would probably kill you.

My mom said all my pretending would never get me anywhere.  The joke’s on her because I pretend to be an adult and I’m doing a pretty good job of it.

I may be delusional but every single person that’s ever met me loves me.

Birthdays are a good way to find out how many of your Facebook friends you’ve never heard of before.  I was pissed because no one wished me a happy birthday yesterday even though it wasn’t my birthday.

If I ever get married, my wedding ring will have a built in bottle opener.

No news about Huey Lewis and the News is bad news.

Do thermometers have to go to college so they can display degrees?

People think it’s bad that America is the fattest nation in the world.  I’d rather be the fattest nation than having the most donkey shows per capita or most horse meat markets.

Laying around on Saturday and Sunday is the closest I’ll ever come to playing college and professional football.

I knew my girlfriend was the one after I saw her yawn.

You really have to hand it to blind hookers.

An orgasm a day keeps the doctor away unless you forget to wear a condom and then you’ll have to see the doctor repeatedly for 18 years.

Have you ever had your last beer of the night actually be your first beer of the morning?

I have never sipped a beer in my life.  I’ve chugged, slammed, drank, and occasional thrown in my face.  BUT NEVER SIPPED!

A person came to me this week asking if I’d like to get in on the ground floor in an investment in a ladder company.  I declined the offer because if a ladder company is worth anything then I’ll be able to get in on the second floor.

Quality not quantity, right?  Well these 12 dollar bills are very crisp and extra green so I guess I’m really rich.

Why is preheating the microwave frowned upon?

I am the best person in the world at procrastinating.  For example…just give me a second.

I hope the hell the doctor doesn’t put me on Viagra for any medical problems.  What the hell am I going to do with a boner?

Whenever there’s a gap in my posting on Xanga I’m usually doing something really cool like listening to my wine bubble and pop because it’s still fermenting.

I wanted to change my Xanga password to “penis” but they said it was too short.

#I #don’t #undertand #the #purpose #of #hashtags #on #Xanga.  #Do #you #?

Like sands through the hourglass so Xanga wastes our time.

A recent study found that there is indeed no cure for stupid.  They spent months observing Xanga

I’m having a Xanga meet-up on this post because I’m cheap and need eprops.  Rec and comment if you want to join the meet up.

I never get dirty emails here on Xanga. 

The secret to losing followers on Xanga is to be yourself

I have a naughty idea for Halloween and Xanga.

  I’m tentatively calling it “Trick or Meat”.


I got fired from my job as an archeologist assistant.  We were digging in an area trying to determine the natives who lived here and which period of time they dwelt here.  Well I found a used tampon and I ran up to the head archeologist and asked, “Which period did this come from?”

I have a fun prank all of you can play.  Get $100, put it in an envelope, and mail it to me.

I feel so old lately.  I remember renting a VCR from the grocery store.  I used to call my friends on a rotary phone that was red and when we’d play at my house we’d play America versus Russia and the President would use that phone to order bomb strikes against Russia and those who were Russians would act like they were melting from nuclear bombs.

When I was your age they gave us pipe cleaners and glue and told us to make shit and play with it.  And we did.  AND WE LOVED IT!

Oh still feeling old.  I wish I could yell at kids to stay off my lawn but I’m part of a generation that’s too poor to afford a lawn.

I wish there was a Gordon Ramsay but for universities and colleges.  He would come in and say, “Fuck me, administrators, have you ever actually set foot inside a classroom?  Your knowledge of pedagogy is rawer than the chicken I spat out at lunch.”  And before you say anything about accreditation bodies being able to take away accreditation from a school, just know they have nothing on Gordon Ramsay’s magical ability to turn around a restaurant or in this case a university in a matter of 5 days.

I hope I start my “hot person” phase soon.  I’m really getting tired of this “extremely awkward fat guy” phase.

The best lesson we can learn from Breaking Bad is that we need to pay teachers more and give them better health insurance.

The second best lesson we can learn from Breaking Bad is that if a former high school teacher tries to talk to you just walk away and don’t look back.

I hope common sense is the next cool trend that replaces twerking.

I think the real reason why Republicans keep trying to block Obamacare is that they want to get people so poor that they can’t afford to rent a Rug Doctor or VCR from the grocery store.

My bucket list is just a bunch of beers and liquors I haven’t tried yet.

I want to eat you out but only as a friend.

I had a dentist appointment recently and the dental hygienist told me I should floss more when I told her that I floss about 3 times a week.  She then told me I should floss while showering.  Well the joke’s on her because I only shower three times a week.

I hope when I walk down the street people see me and think, “Now there’s a guy who can and will eat a jar of Newman’s Own Black Bean & Corn Salsa in one sitting.”

I’m having flashbacks to college and how many of my tests and quizzes were written with Comic Sans.  My god…it’s awful!

I like to make fun of things.  After all the world is a joke and your face is the punchline.

Recently I was eating at a restaurant and a waiter came to my table and said, “Hello, I’m Life and I’m your server this evening.”  He then handed me some lemons and I never saw him again.  Let’s just say he didn’t get a tip.  Oh and the lemons, well they made an excellent garnish for my cocktails.

I remember going to a Salt-n-Pepa concert years ago and Pep yelled to the audience, “Girls, what’s my weakness?”  I shouted back, “Time and money management.”

Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore.  A friend of mine told me he was wearing one while he was having sex with this woman and then her husband busted into the bedroom and stabbed him.

I think the AI in the Madden football video games is smarter than the Cleveland Browns GM.

The closest I’ve ever been to the Mile High Club was eating standing up.

Apparently it’s not cool when a girl says, “Hey, I like your soul patch,” and you reply with “Well I like your mustache.”

Do you think anyone is really 100% straight?  I think there are a lot of liars out there.  I mean Clay Matthews is a handsome man.

In that song “Everlong” by Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl sings “You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when.”  Well that’s sort of how I feel when I go to Olive Garden and they put cheese on my food.

I don’t think I have a sense of humor any more.  I just laugh at sentences poorly word that are.

The day Lil Wayne was released from jail I bought a t-shirt that said “Free Weezy”.  The guy who sold it to me asked if I knew that he didn’t need to be freed any more.  I replied, “Yes, I’m a collector.”  I found that hilarious at the time.  Now I wish I had $20.

I want a Sister Wives style reality show where I marry all my female followers on this site.

God doesn’t shut a door and then open a window.  No, God isn’t paying to heat the outdoors.

I’m working on a television show with subpar dialogue, no compelling characters, and mediocre story arcs. If Dexter could do that and be successful, so can I.

I bet whenever Gary Busey can’t attend something he says, “I’m sorry but I can’t because I’m Gary…Busy.”

A dude asked me the other night at the bar what kind of music I was into.  I replied with a generic “a lot of rock, a lot of punk, but I listen to anything,” answer.  He said, “No offense, but you don’t look punk.  You don’t have a leather jacket with spikes or a mohawk.”  I almost kicked him with my steel toed boots.

When I was a kid my parents told me I should never refer to a woman as a “broad”.  I also thought this applied to “broad daylight” so when I was at a friend’s house and heard a news anchor talk about a robbery in broad daylight I gasped and said that the anchor was sexist.

I’ve never seen a dog chase a cat up a tree but there was this one time I saw a rabid squirrel scamper up a tree and eat a bird.

I want to say my vacuum cleaner sucks but it doesn’t and that’s the problem.

This week I’ve learned why you don’t send messages on OKCupid.  It’s because they will come view my page and then email and tell me I’m not good looking enough to date them.

I think one of the most terrifying things that there is at my house are night bees.  These bees are only active at night.  I got stung once.  I need to start wearing armor to bed.

And now for your weekly dose of motivation:

I ran into Adele the other day (I live an extremely imaginary life) and noticed she didn’t have her dog with her.  I asked where her dog was and she replied, “Groomer has it.”

I was at the grocery store this week and saw a commemorative 9/11 magazine with the title “Remember to Never Forget”.  We really like to do dumb things to horrible tragedies.

I found my VHS copies of Amelie, Men in Black, and The Butcher Boy if anyone wants to come over and watch a bizarre triple feature on an outdated medium.

So I was teaching the other day and this kid came in the classroom and his hair was all disheveled and he was wearing formal clothes but they were really messy and I swear there was blood on them.  He started speaking to his classmates and his voice was really low and gravelly.  I couldn’t take it any more because I thought this kid was trying to imitate Batman so I asked, “Who died and made you Batman?”  He replied, “My parents…last night.”  That made for an awkward rest of the day.

I don’t like going to twitter much any more because I look at my Bachelor’s Degree and start to cry as I try to make a fart joke in under 140 characters.

A study out of Yale University has revealed that no matter how many times you answer “OK” your parents will not shut up.

I’m pretty sure all body spray deodorant smells like teenage sex and drug abuse.

I was reading a newspaper and there was an article about a Segway owner who killed himself by driving his Segway off a cliff.  I guess the old saying is true; you live by the Segway, you die by the Segway.

Birds don’t sing.  They rap and they usually rap about shitting all over you and your car.

Is anyone else bothered by the fact that books will become obsolete sometime in our lifetime and that I’m part of the problem?  Does it also bother you that Asian countries are going to surpass us in our lifetime?  I mean their pop music is so much better than ours.

If I was a meal, I’d be a Stouffer’s Microwavable Dinner for One.

If you disregard the strippers, fighting, and overall crudeness, you can get some pretty good relationship advice from Jerry Springer when he gives his final thoughts.

I need to stop being attracted to women I can’t have like lesbians but then my momma didn’t raise a quitter but then I don’t have to worry since I have the sex appeal of a patch of dead grass.

I woke up this morning to all these strange sounds outside my house.  I couldn’t figure out if it was construction or a Skrillex concert.  It was construction.

Two of my biggest hobbies are listening to the same album on repeat for hours and being a bitter asshole but restraining myself from yelling at people.

Why is it that when no one is around I’m at my funniest?

I know I talk about how I hate labels but when someone tells me they detest labels and won’t use them, I fill one glass with water and another with hydrochloric acid.  Good look telling which is which without labels.

Love songs are so depressing to me because I’m a pessimist and I see every love song ending one of three ways: either the person they love will rip their heart out of their chest, they will rip the heart of the object of their affection’s chest, or someone will die in a tragic automobile accident.

You can ask me to pick up milk and eggs on the way home and I’ll forget but if you ask me to remember lyrics to Warren G’s “Regulators” I can recite the whole song.

Have you ever wondered how many men converted to Judaism just so they could cover up their bald spots?

I wish being popular wasn’t a popularity contest.  I wish it was a hotdog eating contest.

I don’t understand Life cereal.  It tastes good.  It should taste bittersweet.

Football on Saturday and Sunday is awesome because it makes drinking at noon look normal.

I’ve been looking for the perfect girl, well not so much perfect but she has to love me more than I hate myself.  I guess that would mean she would have to be perfect.

With the rise of the popularity of porno parodies, I’m waiting for the day when an actor or actress falls from grace and ends up playing their role in the porno parody of their movie.

My parents never made me wash out my mouth for swearing but one time I flipped them off they made me wash my hands.  It was so disgusting.

I’m not fat; I’m just bloated from being dead on the inside.

I’m trying to figure out which SNES game was better: NBA Jam or WNBA Lay Up.

If I get a tattoo it will be the Chinese symbol for barbed wire.

The way to a woman’s heart is with a penis that reaches that far and shoots diamonds and cash.

My last girlfriend had multiple personalities.  Does that mean I was involved in an orgy?

A woman called me ugly today.  I started crying because it must be so difficult to live with horrible eyesight.

I was voted most popular at the Mazomanie Nude Beach this summer.  I usually brought two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts with me to the beach.

A girl wrote “wash me” on the dust on my dick.

Most of my knowledge of the female orgasm comes from the one time I saw When Harry Met Sally.

To all the ladies who have propositioned me over the years here on Xanga…yes, I will have sex with all of you.