I got fired from my job as an archeologist assistant. We were digging in an area trying to determine the natives who lived here and which period of time they dwelt here. Well I found a used tampon and I ran up to the head archeologist and asked, “Which period did this come from?”
I have a fun prank all of you can play. Get $100, put it in an envelope, and mail it to me.
I feel so old lately. I remember renting a VCR from the grocery store. I used to call my friends on a rotary phone that was red and when we’d play at my house we’d play America versus Russia and the President would use that phone to order bomb strikes against Russia and those who were Russians would act like they were melting from nuclear bombs.
When I was your age they gave us pipe cleaners and glue and told us to make shit and play with it. And we did. AND WE LOVED IT!
Oh still feeling old. I wish I could yell at kids to stay off my lawn but I’m part of a generation that’s too poor to afford a lawn.
I wish there was a Gordon Ramsay but for universities and colleges. He would come in and say, “Fuck me, administrators, have you ever actually set foot inside a classroom? Your knowledge of pedagogy is rawer than the chicken I spat out at lunch.” And before you say anything about accreditation bodies being able to take away accreditation from a school, just know they have nothing on Gordon Ramsay’s magical ability to turn around a restaurant or in this case a university in a matter of 5 days.
I hope I start my “hot person” phase soon. I’m really getting tired of this “extremely awkward fat guy” phase.
The best lesson we can learn from Breaking Bad is that we need to pay teachers more and give them better health insurance.
The second best lesson we can learn from Breaking Bad is that if a former high school teacher tries to talk to you just walk away and don’t look back.
I hope common sense is the next cool trend that replaces twerking.
I think the real reason why Republicans keep trying to block Obamacare is that they want to get people so poor that they can’t afford to rent a Rug Doctor or VCR from the grocery store.
My bucket list is just a bunch of beers and liquors I haven’t tried yet.
I want to eat you out but only as a friend.
I had a dentist appointment recently and the dental hygienist told me I should floss more when I told her that I floss about 3 times a week. She then told me I should floss while showering. Well the joke’s on her because I only shower three times a week.
I hope when I walk down the street people see me and think, “Now there’s a guy who can and will eat a jar of Newman’s Own Black Bean & Corn Salsa in one sitting.”
I’m having flashbacks to college and how many of my tests and quizzes were written with Comic Sans. My god…it’s awful!
I like to make fun of things. After all the world is a joke and your face is the punchline.
Recently I was eating at a restaurant and a waiter came to my table and said, “Hello, I’m Life and I’m your server this evening.” He then handed me some lemons and I never saw him again. Let’s just say he didn’t get a tip. Oh and the lemons, well they made an excellent garnish for my cocktails.
I remember going to a Salt-n-Pepa concert years ago and Pep yelled to the audience, “Girls, what’s my weakness?” I shouted back, “Time and money management.”
Condoms don’t guarantee safe sex anymore. A friend of mine told me he was wearing one while he was having sex with this woman and then her husband busted into the bedroom and stabbed him.
I think the AI in the Madden football video games is smarter than the Cleveland Browns GM.
The closest I’ve ever been to the Mile High Club was eating standing up.
Apparently it’s not cool when a girl says, “Hey, I like your soul patch,” and you reply with “Well I like your mustache.”
Do you think anyone is really 100% straight? I think there are a lot of liars out there. I mean Clay Matthews is a handsome man.
In that song “Everlong” by Foo Fighters, Dave Grohl sings “You’ve got to promise not to stop when I say when.” Well that’s sort of how I feel when I go to Olive Garden and they put cheese on my food.
I don’t think I have a sense of humor any more. I just laugh at sentences poorly word that are.
The day Lil Wayne was released from jail I bought a t-shirt that said “Free Weezy”. The guy who sold it to me asked if I knew that he didn’t need to be freed any more. I replied, “Yes, I’m a collector.” I found that hilarious at the time. Now I wish I had $20.
I want a Sister Wives style reality show where I marry all my female followers on this site.
God doesn’t shut a door and then open a window. No, God isn’t paying to heat the outdoors.
I’m working on a television show with subpar dialogue, no compelling characters, and mediocre story arcs. If Dexter could do that and be successful, so can I.
I bet whenever Gary Busey can’t attend something he says, “I’m sorry but I can’t because I’m Gary…Busy.”
A dude asked me the other night at the bar what kind of music I was into. I replied with a generic “a lot of rock, a lot of punk, but I listen to anything,” answer. He said, “No offense, but you don’t look punk. You don’t have a leather jacket with spikes or a mohawk.” I almost kicked him with my steel toed boots.
When I was a kid my parents told me I should never refer to a woman as a “broad”. I also thought this applied to “broad daylight” so when I was at a friend’s house and heard a news anchor talk about a robbery in broad daylight I gasped and said that the anchor was sexist.
I’ve never seen a dog chase a cat up a tree but there was this one time I saw a rabid squirrel scamper up a tree and eat a bird.
I want to say my vacuum cleaner sucks but it doesn’t and that’s the problem.
This week I’ve learned why you don’t send messages on OKCupid. It’s because they will come view my page and then email and tell me I’m not good looking enough to date them.
I think one of the most terrifying things that there is at my house are night bees. These bees are only active at night. I got stung once. I need to start wearing armor to bed.
And now for your weekly dose of motivation:
I ran into Adele the other day (I live an extremely imaginary life) and noticed she didn’t have her dog with her. I asked where her dog was and she replied, “Groomer has it.”
I was at the grocery store this week and saw a commemorative 9/11 magazine with the title “Remember to Never Forget”. We really like to do dumb things to horrible tragedies.
I found my VHS copies of Amelie, Men in Black, and The Butcher Boy if anyone wants to come over and watch a bizarre triple feature on an outdated medium.
So I was teaching the other day and this kid came in the classroom and his hair was all disheveled and he was wearing formal clothes but they were really messy and I swear there was blood on them. He started speaking to his classmates and his voice was really low and gravelly. I couldn’t take it any more because I thought this kid was trying to imitate Batman so I asked, “Who died and made you Batman?” He replied, “My parents…last night.” That made for an awkward rest of the day.
I don’t like going to twitter much any more because I look at my Bachelor’s Degree and start to cry as I try to make a fart joke in under 140 characters.
A study out of Yale University has revealed that no matter how many times you answer “OK” your parents will not shut up.
I’m pretty sure all body spray deodorant smells like teenage sex and drug abuse.
I was reading a newspaper and there was an article about a Segway owner who killed himself by driving his Segway off a cliff. I guess the old saying is true; you live by the Segway, you die by the Segway.
Birds don’t sing. They rap and they usually rap about shitting all over you and your car.
Is anyone else bothered by the fact that books will become obsolete sometime in our lifetime and that I’m part of the problem? Does it also bother you that Asian countries are going to surpass us in our lifetime? I mean their pop music is so much better than ours.
If I was a meal, I’d be a Stouffer’s Microwavable Dinner for One.
If you disregard the strippers, fighting, and overall crudeness, you can get some pretty good relationship advice from Jerry Springer when he gives his final thoughts.
I need to stop being attracted to women I can’t have like lesbians but then my momma didn’t raise a quitter but then I don’t have to worry since I have the sex appeal of a patch of dead grass.
I woke up this morning to all these strange sounds outside my house. I couldn’t figure out if it was construction or a Skrillex concert. It was construction.
Two of my biggest hobbies are listening to the same album on repeat for hours and being a bitter asshole but restraining myself from yelling at people.
Why is it that when no one is around I’m at my funniest?
I know I talk about how I hate labels but when someone tells me they detest labels and won’t use them, I fill one glass with water and another with hydrochloric acid. Good look telling which is which without labels.
Love songs are so depressing to me because I’m a pessimist and I see every love song ending one of three ways: either the person they love will rip their heart out of their chest, they will rip the heart of the object of their affection’s chest, or someone will die in a tragic automobile accident.
You can ask me to pick up milk and eggs on the way home and I’ll forget but if you ask me to remember lyrics to Warren G’s “Regulators” I can recite the whole song.
Have you ever wondered how many men converted to Judaism just so they could cover up their bald spots?
I wish being popular wasn’t a popularity contest. I wish it was a hotdog eating contest.
I don’t understand Life cereal. It tastes good. It should taste bittersweet.
Football on Saturday and Sunday is awesome because it makes drinking at noon look normal.
I’ve been looking for the perfect girl, well not so much perfect but she has to love me more than I hate myself. I guess that would mean she would have to be perfect.
With the rise of the popularity of porno parodies, I’m waiting for the day when an actor or actress falls from grace and ends up playing their role in the porno parody of their movie.
My parents never made me wash out my mouth for swearing but one time I flipped them off they made me wash my hands. It was so disgusting.
I’m not fat; I’m just bloated from being dead on the inside.
I’m trying to figure out which SNES game was better: NBA Jam or WNBA Lay Up.
If I get a tattoo it will be the Chinese symbol for barbed wire.
The way to a woman’s heart is with a penis that reaches that far and shoots diamonds and cash.
My last girlfriend had multiple personalities. Does that mean I was involved in an orgy?
A woman called me ugly today. I started crying because it must be so difficult to live with horrible eyesight.
I was voted most popular at the Mazomanie Nude Beach this summer. I usually brought two cups of coffee and a dozen donuts with me to the beach.
A girl wrote “wash me” on the dust on my dick.
Most of my knowledge of the female orgasm comes from the one time I saw When Harry Met Sally.
To all the ladies who have propositioned me over the years here on Xanga…yes, I will have sex with all of you.